- I finished the SATs finally. I never have to take it again and it's so good to get that done with. At the same time I feel like the Alice in Clamp. At the end of each of her stories it would say 'Never ends', which I guess is kind of a good thing but I just have all this work I need to do. Now that SATs are over I still have to write college essays, then interviews, then wait to see where I get in. I don't even want to think about college it's self. I shouldn't get so stressed out about this but still. I just wish it was over. I just want to go to school and live my life like a person, or at least a student.

- Have I mentioned the dreams have come back? Here's an awesome one. Me leaving the house and my brother crying telling me he can't find stuff and me driving away while he runs after me on a dirt road that looks kind of like the farm. What does that mean? Guilt is fun. Why did I have kids? Oh right, I didn't. Haha oh god I am screwed.

- I'm seriously thinking about getting a job. I'm not sure if I have the time with all the travel I need to do, but there's a book store I like on the west side that's pretty small that might be nice to work at. The people there tend to sit around reading when they're not ringing people up, and dress however, so I feel like they're not too strict in manner or appearance. I also really need money. I'm tired or living off my parents for things like cigarettes and clothing and bullshit. I've always felt weird taking money from them, but could get rid of the thought by saying I was a kid, or with the fact my mum use to borrow a lot of money from me. But now I can't really say I'm a kid as an excuse and my mum is always going to borrow money from me, so I might as well get use to it before she starts doing it to my brother. I also need it for travel stuff. The bus is pretty cheap, especially if I'm going to Maryland to visit Denmark, or somewhere like that. In the end I just need to stop being lazy and do it. A job isn't that big a deal. Except when it is. But still, everyone (or most everyone I guess) does it and still keeps up with travel and stuff.

- I need letters of recommendation. Obviously not everyone who reads my journal can give me one, but at this point I'll take anything. Did you work with me at any point? Great. Have I helped you with a project? Awesome. Am I amazing, brilliant, and otherwise totally outrageous? No, but your lies are your's and I won't disprove them. If you can write please write me a letter. I need about three from different people, but even one would be good for some schools. Not to pimp on here, but yeah it would be awesome.

- Cleaned an assload today. All my clothes are pretty much off the floor. Now I just need to pick up my books. My shelves are pretty unsorted, so I need to work on my new system. Just need to remember not to put the vampire books next to the werewolf books next to my Jane Austin, as they tend to fight over her.

- Yeah it's a Twilight reference. And a nerdy, meta one at that! One day I'm gonna write Twilight meta and no one can stop me. Then I'll give a presentation at Twinkle, the Twilight con, and it will awesome. Everyone will be there and I'll hang with Kstew and get high with Rpatts. And I'll say 'Kstew, (yes I can call her that because by that time we will be good buddies) why so angry all the time?' And she'll take a pull of bourbon and gaze at me with her blood shot, old, fucked up, Elizabeth Báthory eyes and we will laugh because we know all the secret of the world like some tiny chest of silver and gold boxes we hold in our hands like light.

- Went out to dinner with Jon and Van tonight. Van says we need a name. She says we should be the Yorkville Society. Jon says No, he is in enough groups. Later we get to my house and she says she's glad the Yorkville Society got to converge tonight. 'Yes that's the name, that's it!' she says. I hear her laughing as she walks away down the street.

- Tomorrow I'm going to the library's book cellar to see if they have some stuff. That's all I have planned for now. Hopefully more will happen and I'll get some writing done. I want to do my NaNo story, but Lucien Carr keeps pulling me back into that yellow room, wanting me to write for him.

- There are people I miss and people I want to see. Sometimes I wish I could trade people in the city for other people. Bring them here so they'll be happy. To bring them closer to people they need to be near in order to be content. To see them if I want. To keep them safe. But they live outside the city, or outside the state, or outside the country. It's hard, because they all live in my heart too. But at least I know they're there. At least I know, at least for now, they're safe. Or hope so.

Submissions for Infinitus are open! I am so excited! I'm going to submit a few papers, and also want to do a panel on Harry Potter as future lit, and the queer perspective in Harry Potter (because there has to be one every year). So who's in on this with me? I need people!

Haven't done one these in a while. Here you go.

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So my amazon order came today. I got another copy of Just Lsten.

Dad: (looking at the books) Don't you have about three copies of this book?
Me: Four now.
Dad: Why do you need four?
Me: .... because it's four....
Dad: (puts book down) I raised you well.

My dad is kinda awesome.

- In Chicago. Visited Shimer, which is a good school, but has the problem of not being in New York or San Francisco. I guess I'll apply to it, but I dunno if I'd actually want to go. Chicago is nice, but I dunno if I want to live here. It's cold here, and the Ambulances sound like warning sirens when they go by.

- I missed the Dane being in the city. I feel bad, but what can I do? I wish that she had stayed for longer, but she had no one to hang out with and left because she was just sitting around all day in her dad's girlfriend's apartment. She asked me to visit MD soon, so I need to figure that out. I feel like I'm always figuring out trips. I don't know why I'm such a pussy about moving way from New York, I'm always traveling anyway.

- Having a crush on somebody again is scary.

- Finished making my notes in the first Harry Potter. I'm going to write an afterward and then move on to the next one. I don't know if anyone but me will ever want to read it, but it's a good excuse to reread them. There's so much you forget and so much you remember wrong. It's also pretty surprising when she foreshadows stuff that will happen in the last book. It really makes me wonder if she planned a lot of stuff in advance, and if that's why the sixth book seems so differently written then the other five. The other thing I realized is that up until around the fourth, or maybe even sixth book in style, Harry Potter is an English, boy's detective novel. It takes place in a public school, Harry has a group of friends who help him with the mystery, and he has several tasks outside of it he has to deal with. In a way, Harry Potter is more of a Mystery then a fantasy novel. I think this may be why, or one of the reasons, it's so good.

- It's Oscar Wilde's birthday today. In four days it will Rimbaud's. I wonder a lot what Oscar Wilde thought of Rimbaud and if they would have gotten along. I think not, especially if they had met when they were both 17.

- Tomorrow I'm going to see Northwestern, which is much too expensive, but still a good school. Then home, which I've heard has also become quite cold.

- Going to Chicago in a few days. I'm pretty upset about it, as I have to go for ten days with my mother. I'm only visiting two colleges at most, and I'm not looking forward to being cooped up with my mum for seven days. On the up side, I like Chicago a lot and will be happy to be back there. Hopefully my mother won't be too crazy, but as my father said 'Take care of your mother. You know how she is.' Christ.

- I'm pretty sure the zombie apocalypse is coming soon, or at least that's what I've been led to believe in local chat rooms. In any case I'll be going to the zombie crawl tomorrow to prepare. I was pretty tempted to go as a zombie killer, but decided against it. I really don't want to have to kill my undead friends. Though I would if they were real zombies. Make no mistake.... Anyway, it should be cool. I think we're seeing Zombie Land afterward, but I might not go and save my movie money for A Serious Man.

- I'm pretty pissed off at Obama for not going to see the Dalai Lama. All the presidents have done it before and China hasn't said anything. I mean, I know China basically owns us now, and pretty soon we'll all be speaking all four of their languages, but still. I just feel like people take it for granted Tibet will never be free, and that the Dalai Lama will live forever. But he won't, and if Tibet isn't free I'm not what will happen.

- I haven't been writing enough recently. I keep being either too tired, or just not feeling up to it. I think it's affected my OCD and stuff. Or maybe with age I'm just becoming more mental. Either way I need to write more.

- I think I may have a crush on someone. Maybe. I dunno. At least they live in the country.

- Did I mention I need to fly to Chicago? I'll try not to have a nervous break down on the plane. Luckily I can always fall back on the Dorothy Parker Method of living. Sometimes being a drunk is very useful.

- Still have packing to do. Mostly books and things.

Three days and a year ago Nate Williams took her own life, in three months I will be 18, and somewhere in 1939 Sigmund Freud is dying. It is the fact that I can think and have feelings about all these things at the same time as if they are happening now that makes me think that, at least in the human mind, time is eternal.

- Went to math today. I realized today it's not so much hard, or painful, as just a waste of time. I won't remember any of it and I'm wasting money. At this point I just want to get the GED and get a job or something. I still think my math teacher needs fight club bad. The bruise on his cheek is almost healed, which means he didn't go back. Pussy. I am Joe's disinterest in life.

- Also, thinking now, I realize I have no idea what my math teacher's name is. I feel this is a failing on some one's part.

- Tried to go on a bike ride yesterday, but was stopped by my mum who said we needed to get the tires reaired. After we finally figured out how to do that we realized my mother had filled it much and the back break was stuck. Long story short, as we were walking to the repair shop the innertube broke on the wheel. I broke the bike while not even riding it. God I am an idiot. I think god is telling me to give up sports. God only knows what will happen at my race next month. If I have a heart attack it only proves my theory.

- Went to the used book store on the west side today and finished reading the Myth Of Sisyphus's other essays. In the end I broke down and bought it. It was only thee dollars. Later I told someone I had gotten it and they said 'Camus? Jesus I'd rather beat myself to death then read him.' I think they sort of missed the point.

-Talked to someone I very much like talking to today. Maybe I'll be able to deal with tomorrow now.

- I've been feeling really unmotivated to write recently. I don't know if it's because I've been in such a bad mood recently, or if the bad bad mood is coming from not writing, but either way it's weird. My neck and head hurt all the time and I find myself not wanting to get out of bed a lot. Nothing excites me, nothing gets me up in the morning, and no one is there to greet me as I wake. I feel like such a whiner, but it's starting to really annoy me. I think it has a lot to do with the fact October is coming which is hard. It brings up all those feelings of loneliness and panic that were so strong last year. I hope I'm ok in time for Boston. Or in general.

- God whiny journal entry. I'll do something better next time. Maybe a review or something.

- On a better note, Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters is out. Read a bit of it in the store. I love Quirk classics. They make my heart sing.

I stole this from RM. I don't know if this is allowed, but it seems like no one on my flist knows I have this so here goes. I'll take it down if I'm actually stealing it.


1. The illnesses I live with are:
Celiac Disease

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:
Um 2008? I think.

3. But I had symptoms since:
Since I was little I guess.

4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is:
I can't have anything with gluten in it. Thus can't have a beer, can't eat a good sandwich and most importantly can't go to a restaurant without fearing secret wheat is randomly in something.

5. Most people assume:
That I'm being a stuck up hippie, that I have an eating disorder, that I'm showing off for some reason, that I'm doing it for health reasons (which I sort of am), that I'm a vegan (still don't get this one).

6. The hardest part about mornings is:
My joints are pretty fucked up, and I think one of the reasons for this is because I had wheat for so long. Other then that not any harder then they normally would be. If I have wheat I usually get sick in the morning, which was unpleasant when I was still in school.

7. My favorite medical TV show is:
I don't watch medical TV shows because my dad is a doctor and it annoys me how fake they are.

8. A gadget I couldn't live without is:
My ipod. When I was still sick listening to music was the only thing that got my mind off the fact I was getting sick every day and scared something was really wrong with me.

9. The hardest part about nights is:
When I was still eating gluten I use to get these horrible stomach aches at least once a month. They would last on average six hours and during that I would have fever dreams, cry a lot (I am not normally a crier) and be in a large amount of pain. Glad those are done with.

10. Each day I take [?] pills & vitamins.
I use to take about six each day. Now I take none.

11. Regarding alternative treatments, I:
None. I just live with the fact I can't have certain things, and sometimes forget things like words or places randomly.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose:
I'm pretty pleased with the fact I have celiacs and caught it before I became older and it had done more damage. When I had it I was constantly afraid I had cancer, or something along those lines, and am very happy it turned out I just can't have bread anymore.

13. Regarding working and career:
It's done nothing, except I had to quit my job at the pizza company. That's not a joke.

14. People would be surprised to know:
If I became sick tomorrow and found out it hadn't been celiacs I'd be devastated. I'm so happy I'm not sick anymore, the idea of not having my quick fix scares the shit out of me. Also, I'm vaguely grief stricken by the idea if I have kids they may have it as well, and my brother's kids are also at risk. I think my guilt will win out and I'll end up not having the kids I may one day want.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is:
It makes going to a restaurant with others really embarrassing. Having to ask if stuff has wheat in it makes me feel like a total shnuk, but I'm too paranoid not to ask. I also feel bad because I know this stupid. I should take care of myself first.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness was:
Not be sick anymore. I thought I'd be sick forever, but now I feel fine and that's still weird for me.

17. The commercials about my illness
Are nonexistent because America still thinks it's made up.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed:
Eating soft serve ice cream from the Mr. Frosty trucks. Plus eating sandwiches, which I use to live on.

19. It was really hard to give up:
Being invisible to waiters. I hate calling attention to myself.

20. A new hobby I've taken up since my diagnosis is:
Running.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would:
Normal again? Try normal for once. I guess I'd eat what I wanted? I dunno. Gosh.

22. My illness has taught me:
That I don't have to always be sick and that the only person who can make sure of that is myself.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say (about my illness) that gets under my skin is:
It's not real? Every time I hear that I want to have a sandwich and mail them a video of me barfing for two days.

24. But I love it when people:
Describe food to me. It's really odd, but knowing that people are having good cookies, or bread makes me happy.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:
The fact the fay can not touch iron, but are still strong. We are not meant for this world, but we will still concur and live in it.

26. When someone is diagnosed I like to tell them:
That they won't be sick anymore if they control themselves and that it really is worth it.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:
Is explains a lot. When I have wheat all my mental and physical problems from the past come back. I never would have thought it would be explained so simply.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was:
Bring me wine. Didn't help, but thanks, Elis.

29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because:
Because I think a lot of people don't even know they have it and it's ruining their lives.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:
Like I hope people don't think I'm doing this to collect attention or flaunt that I have a weird problem. I just want people to know I'm not being a dick when I ask the wait staff at restaurants a million questions before I order.

Felt like doing this for some reason.

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- Haven't done a post in a while, mostly because most of them would be bitching, and I want to do a photo post from my cousin's wedding which I've been putting off because I have to collect photos for it, and go into family stuff. Then again my family stuff is pretty fun to post about. Kind of like a Wes Anderson movie mixed with Hunter S Thompson. Except more Jews and less shooting.

- Woke up to my parents fighting about my mum's cationic responses to my father. I like it that he's on break, but I wish they didn't fight like second graders.

- Went to the org meeting. Things are going well. Fezzes will be made and we have many plans for the up coming party. Hint: awesome table settings.

- Mostly cleaned all week. Got most of my room done. Going off to Atlantic City tomorrow. Before finishing packing and cleaning I went to Kinos and looked for the new GLB. Where the fuck is it? Was so frustrated I went down made them find me Rimbaud in Japanese. It has a pretty great cover. Went back and cleaned some more and packed like mad in between fights with my mum. Hopefully I'll have some time to rest in Atlantic city. Yay holiday! Also, the irony is not lost on me that my English bred mother want to visit the shore for holiday. Oh man, you can't breed this shit out.

- Thursday I'm coming back home. Then Friday I go to Ohio. I'm pretty excited. The trip should be long, but I'm going with good people and I get to ride in a car which is always vaguely thrilling. Tomorrow is a bus ride. I hate the bus.

- I missed Livejournal. Thanks for taking me back, baby.

Will do a real post soon. In the meantime, does this scare the sht out of anyone else?
http://www.weirdasianews.com/2009/03/05/hundredyear-tomb-reveals-swiss-watch/

So after passing out in the bath I came across this in the manga I bought today per Bat's instruction and literally laughed out loud and yelled 'that is awesome!' (making my brother come up to ask what)



RANDOM MUL SIGHTING IS RANDOM! Alright, go back to your regularly scheduled flist posts now, people.

Does anyone on my flist remember this show?

Just read the spoiler for the end of Torchwood season three. Very interesting impact on the thing I'm writing. Robert M is gonna be pissed.

And I find myself wondering, what kind of lolita is Narcissa Malfoy?

No. No. Big bag of no. Is this how bad ideas are born, or how people really view BDSM/D/S relationship? Either way; no!


http://community.livejournal.com/little_details/2351713.html